i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
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