turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I'm passing your future prison.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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