rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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