I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
