No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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