just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
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