I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
