I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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