I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
