Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
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