nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
