Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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