We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
