Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
