I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize