They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
