I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
