i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
