If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize
