so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
