I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
