The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
