Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
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