Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
