I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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