They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
