You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
