My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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