Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
