It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..