I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
