Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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