I wanna bring you to show and tell
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Randomize
