When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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