so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
