I never want to see another naked old woman again.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
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you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
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That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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