Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
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