yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
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