Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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