well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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