So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
