hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
