I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
