I need to stop coming to work sober
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Randomize
