I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
