I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
