I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
