I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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