my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
