Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
