Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
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