I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
