My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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