I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
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Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
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you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
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