No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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