I wanna passion pit in your ass
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Acid is not a monday night drug
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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